Feral In Vegas

2004-08-13T08:44:00.000-07:00

30 MORE DAYS TIL KATE&PANSYCON 2004!!!!!
i am very excited about my new cellphone (0ld one was stolen at LAX on way back from bloody new hampshire) - it has a new feature i've never had before - "countdown"... unfortunately the longest amount of countdown time you can do is 99 hours and 99 minutes, but hey, it's still got countdown - which means i am going to have to figure out when our start time for kate&pansycon is likely to be... i am guessing a conservative 9am for the beginning of our trek to temecula... so i'll just take a little time and do a little math and i'll know when to start anticipating our trip with the help of my little blue nokia...
not a whole hell of a lot going on in my life except for the fact that i have put myself firmly back on my no-carb diet... veered off of it horribly over a month and a half ago and i look like hell once again... so it's back to the meat and cheese diet so i don't embarrass myself too very much at mandalay beach... (everybody at glen ivy is lumpy and old so there's no need to worry about looking good there and something tells me that the pool at PVRC isn't a hotspot to hang out and look cute - who knows if they even have a pool?)
in other news i have been to the movies way too much recently, here's a capsule review of what i've just seen:
The Village - despite what many others (including John) may say, i thought this was a pretty good movie... yes, it had problems (where did they get all those clothes and shoes for everybody - are we to believe they have a leather tanning shop and textile mill there? and how did the population manage to get so very large? ... that wedding had a LOT of people at it...) but i think if one just chooses to view it as a fable and accept that you have to suspend some serious disbelief, it works... and the love story was fabulous... and ivy kicked ass!!! shyamalan has almost redeemed himself after the disgusting piece of ick that was "Unbreakable" and the ridiculously stupid waste of film stock that was "Signs"....
Harold & Kumar - i liked this movie because i really liked harold and kumar themselves... it was funny in a sophomoric humor sort of way... i think i have a little crush on Kal Penn - he's supercute!
I, Robot - this movie was SO much fun - the very definition of a big summer blockbuster with crazy special effects - the experience was the equivalent of going to see "independence day" and "men in black" several summers back ... i love will smith and i also love futuristic sci-fi movies ... john also highly disapproves of my love for this movie (despite the fact that he hasn't even seen it!) but i thought it was cool...
The Manchurian Candidate - i kind of surprised myself that i wanted to see this movie... i generally don't go for political/spy/thriller -type movies... and denzel does NOTHING for me... but this turned out to be an awesome movie... super, super, SUPER creepy and way too believable... especially at this time and place in america... i still think liev schreiber is way unattractive (he has yucky skin... it's like chicken flesh - just like my 10th grade french teacher had)
oh and i have a new favorite website, click here to see it! as soon as i can get a digital picture of poopoo she is going up - this site was made for her!!!!
I'M GOING TO SAN DIEGO SOON!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-08-04T16:59:00.000-07:00

37 MORE DAYS TIL KATE&PANSYCON 2004!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well I've been to the east coast and those who live there can have it.... as you can imagine my trip to new hampshire was not the cavalacade of fun i was hoping it would be... the flight to detroit wasn't all that bad... managed to nap a bit on that flight... by the time we hit detroit i was wide awake and curious about my destination.... got into manchester airport around 11am, got my luggage and rental car pretty easily and headed off to the hotel... the weather was lovely - not more than 75 degrees and not humid at all... even looked like they'd had a bit of rain before our plane landed... my first "turnpike" experience felt incredibly surreal... it's just all trees - no urban sprawl - and everything was just as green as everybody had described to me... the hotel was nice, pretty corporate-feeling, the sheets were itchy but decent cable, a coffeemaker in the room and it was good-sized....

the real problems began for me at the wedding, it was a lovely wedding and jennifer looked beautiful but i was totally unprepared for how painful my first wedding since my divorce would be... i kept reliving my wedding day and i felt terribly alone and lonely there... nothing but engaged and married couples all happily twittering away together... i felt like a big ugly single lump.... i left the wedding around 11pm and went out to my rental car and found the battery dead(!) because i'd left the lights on.... had to find somebody at the inn to jump me and didn't happen easily because of the way the engine and battery were laid out... finally after 1/2 an hour of tense "will i get home?" feelings the car was started and i was on my way to the turnpike... bloody, buggery turnpike! i took a wrong turn and managed to get myself off the turnpike and VERY lost in the woods... and that's all they have in new hampshire - WOODS to get lost in... of course my LA mindset had me thinking that if i just keep driving i will eventually hit a freeway... nope, A. there are no freeways and B. if you just keep driving you end up even further out in the woods & even more lost.... i kept up this practice for nearly an hour before i happened upon a fire station and wept like an idiot til a nice fireman came out to inquire as to what was wrong with me... he gave me confusing directions back to the turnpike which eventually did get me on the the stupid, pointless thing - trouble was i didn't know what exit to take to get me back to the hotel or even what to do after i took the exit... so i just got off at a sign that said "nashua" and got mildly lost again... i was overjoyed to see whatever their version of 7-11 is and went in to find out how to get back to the hotel... the lady there looked at me like i was a freak (people in new hampshire don' have a lot of tattoos or facial piercings, it seems) and i managed to find my way back... the next day was my free day and i HAD been planning to go sight-seeing on my own... needless to say, the previous night's experience put short work to that idea... there was no WAY i was leaving my hotel so i could wind up lost in the woodsagain... so i spent the following day eating chocolate, watching tons of vh-1 and napping and missing LA and poopoolala desperately - just wanted to come home... which i happily did the next morning - got up at 3am local time and didn't wind up at my own home til i had toured the nastiest parts of LA on the metro (1 shuttle and 4 bloody train changes later!) at 5pm ... poopoo was overjoyed to see me and we took a good nap together that evening....

do i have any desire to ever hit the east coast again? NO. NO THANK YOU. i belong here in LA... and don't even get me started on those stupid "exact change" toll roads.... that's just bizarre...

the next evening i went for my fourth tattoo and kat did an amazing job... she's at a new shop, "true tattoo" in hollywood... unfortunately for all of you out there hoping to get in to see her, she's not accepting new clients unless it's an unusual piece that really interests her... she's just gotten TOO famous! which is fabulous for her! i'm just glad she's still working with me!

end of last week we finally moved offices and my new office is an absolute oasis - it's roomy, i have gorgeous new furniture, i have brought in my fountain and plants and pictures of my and my friends' pets... it makes coming to work 80% easier... it's cool and quiet and i have privacy....

so now i am gearing up for san diego and vegas - which both promise to be SPECTACULAR... i won't get lost, i'll be with my favorite people in the world and i KNOW i'll have a fabulous time in both!!!!

2004-07-23T08:59:00.000-07:00

yes i am a lazy, lazy, lazy girl... i haven't blogged in an age and i have driven dear kate to serenade me with wham songs.... we know it's gotten bad...

getting on an airplane at 12:40am tonight to fly to new hampshire... am going to experience my very first layover ever in detroit... i land there like 8am local time (it'll be 5am to me though!)... john, of course, has admonished me not to leave the terminal as anything can happen to you in detroit... i will admit i harbor secret fears about detroit as well... i get the sense that it's all just large mobs moving angrily through the city, setting cars alight and looting and hitting people over the head with bottles as they crowd past groups of motown singers inside record studios recording music that i hate and huge car assembly factories burping out teamsters after a hard shift.... i'm sure there must be more to detroit but i'll be damned if i can imagine it anyway else... needless to say, i have only an hour layover and i have no other plans than maybe eating a little something, having some coffee and taking a little nap until i get on another flight to manchester, new hampshire...
which is a good thing as for over a month now i suffered under the delusion that i had a second layover in new york... now i admit i was a bit excited about the idea of spending some time in new york, even if it was only an hour or two in the airport... now as far as i am concerned everywhere you go in new york you will find jerry orbach standing over a dead body with sam waterston on his cell phone, you go into a coffee shop where you'll find jerry, elaine, kramer and george... oh and don't forget the huge choruses of singing and dancing people let loose from their shows on broadway whooping it up in the streets... but i'm not going to new york so oh well.... someday, right?
now new hampshire to me is people standing by fences talking about the weather... staying at the crowne plaza nashua which looks quite lovely... i should be at the hotel and taking a nice nap by 12:30 or 1pm... why am i going to new hampshire? my dear friend, jen, is getting married on sunday... i'll have monday all to myself - not sure what i'll do... might toodle around new hampshire, visit mount washington, see the local beauty spots... more than likely i'll probably lay around the hotel, ordering up room service, taking naps, reading and watching movies... i have to be on a flight tuesday morning that leaves at 6:15am! and then it's back home (with another layover in detroit!) and back to bloody work next wednesday....
and i am doing it all alone! it"s all so terribly exciting and glamourous...

2004-07-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

OH i am a happy happy happy kitten! I get to stay at The Bahia in San Diego!!!!!! I have wanted to stay at The Bahia since just about forever.... it is THE coolest place in the world! they have a riverboat cocktail cruise... they have this cool bar that my parents used to drink like fish at... you can rent seadoos and paddleboats there... it's like this cool old tiki looking place... i am beyond thrilled about this...
I am also really really excited about going to the Whaley House ... if you add up all the hours i must have spent in old town san diego growing up it would probably come to like a year and i have NEVER been inside the whaley house, can you believe it? but THIS TIME i'm going! SO excited!!!

2004-07-07T14:52:00.000-07:00

ok... life got really really really REALLY bad for a while and now it has suddenly gotten a whole lot better... why? i'm about to tell you...
i have three, count 'em 3 vacations coming up!!! and trust me, i need 3 vacations from this goddamn joint!
first, from july 24 to july 27 i am going to new hampshire to my friend jen's wedding! i am very excited about this! first of all, because it is my dear friend's wedding, but second of all because i've never been to the east coast and this is quite an adventure for me... picturesque new hampshire... dunkin' donuts! mt. washington... i have monday all to myself and i intend to do some touristing... i'm very excited to be travelling alone and having a hotel room all to myself... quite thrilling all of it...
then in august i go to san diego with john from august 22 to the 25... we haven't picked where we're going to stay yet but i know we are going to sea world and i LOVE sea world!) and we'll go to old town (and i LOVE old town!) and maybe the wild animal park and maybe have tea at the u.s. grant and just generally toodle around san diego like i used to do every summer of my life growing up... i'm just looking forward to being away from here and in the bracing air down there...
and then in september, never fear, Kate&PansyConIV comes forth! I thought the whole thing had gone down in flames but it just ran off whimpering behind a rock for awhile but now it has returned stronger than ever and I hope all you kids out there are ready for a bigger and better Kate&PansyCon!!! Here's the new itinerary:
Sunday, September 12: Leave L.A. for Glen Ivy Day Spa, once there we'll drink their plonk champagne, play in the mud & sulfur pools, visit the grotto, i might get scrubbed, kate might get waxed, and just generally lounge around like the princesses we are... that evening we'll be checking into the Country Inn by Ayres where we hope to hook up the laptop we intend to beg, borrow or steal and begin our on-the-road blogging in the room... we'll be watching in-room porn and drinking like fish in preparation for the next day's adventures in beautiful Primm!
Monday, September 13: Depart Temecula for exciting Primm! Check into Primm Valley Resort & Casino. Marvel at the clientele around us. Eat some cheap food. Have a few drinks in preparation for a long day of shopping. Head on over to Fashion Outlets of Las Vegas where there is not only a neiman marcus last call but an old navy and a claire's outlet!!!! the motherships have landed and they are calling me home!!! then it's back to freaky PVR&C where we'll be drinking, playing really loose slots, eating super-cheap prime rib, i may be playing some craps, riding the roller coaster and paying tribute to clyde's death shirt and just generally observing the dregs of humanity take in all that PVR&C has to offer... we'll retire for the evening to our room where there might be porn but i doubt there will be internet access so blogging will have to wait for one night....
Tuesday, September 14: It's an early morning for us cos we need to GET THE FUCK OUT OF PRIMM AND SOMETHING TELLS ME WE'LL BE READY TO!!! We'll rise and shine and hit the strip for an early breakfast and a trip to the newly acquired Las Vegas Hilton where we'll be assimilated by The Borg and I will be a great big dork and buy a bunch of geeky merchandise. Then it's time to go from rags straight to riches and check into THEhotel at Mandalay Bay where over the course of the next three days we'll be sampling THEbathouse, THEinternet access and THE 24 hour cafe available only to guests of THEhotel.... pretty exciting, eh? and yes, we're still on for all those other exciting side trips listed below (lotus of siam, luv-it frozen custard, double down saloon)...
so yes, i am a happy kitten today.... finally!

2004-06-25T11:23:00.000-07:00

Things do not appear to be as fatal for Kate&PansyConIV as it previously seemed. There were desperate fears that the whole thing might have to move to September but it looks like, at least for the time being, we are going to shoot for August. I know you are all breathing a HUGE sigh of relief.
Kathy is going to continue hectoring after her little brother for information on the flight situation and she seems willing to chance fighting all those other irish people out of the UK to make it here. Kathy IS an Amazon Warrior Princess and deserves respect for that.
That being said I've found three more interesting things I think this year's K&PCon should investigate:
1. Touring the Ethel M. Chocolate Factory. Am i interested in the cactus/botanical garden? Resounding NO... i did my time in botanical garden hell that year i worked at The Huntington... while K may find the garden tour idea intriguing, i will stay inside the cool factory and eat chocolate... chocolate is a BIG part of K&PCon and i think this would be a nice incorporation should it prove to be something we can fit in... it's only 10 miles from the strip and it might just round out the Las Vegas Outlet Center (formerly the Beltz Outlet) adventure. And speaking of outlets - the one at Primm is looking pretty good too... we just may have to stop there on our way into town for some refreshment and money spending... an awful lot of good shops there...
2. Luv-It Frozen Custard... suddenly everywhere i go i am reading about the magic that is the frozen custard... i'm thinking this place might be necessary more than once!
3. Another place i can't stop reading about: Peppermill's Fireside Lounge... the boys over at cheapovegas rave about this joint and it sounds like something we'd be remiss in not visiting... and seeing as how this place is just a hop, jump and a skip on the strip, well, i don't think we'll come up with a single excuse not to visit it...
In other news the Hilton has been sold to a new company... the new website looks much nicer than the old and apparently they have lots of plans to upgrage the place into more of a resort destination... don't know if any of that upgrading will be done in time for our trip but fingers crossed we might see a classier joint than we have in the past...
But even bigger and more amazing news - MGM-Mirage has moved to acquire Mandalay Resorts Group.. think about it - that is HUGE!!! The entire western side of the Strip would be a monopoly (except for Caesar's!)... it should be exciting to watch what happens next!
So let's hope that we are still on track.... everybody think positive - we can get kathy out of the u.k. in august if we all concentrate hard enough!

2004-06-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

i am in a FOUL fuckin' mood today... nothing to do here at work and a need to look semi-busy and fill another 4 hours before i can go home... i loathe all my co-workers except for nikki... spending one more moment in this office with this enormous group of "know-it-alls" and that wormy little dog-creep who wants to eat my ankles is more than i should have to bear... i swear i have reached the end of the internet - or at least all that the internet has to offer that is vaguely interesting... thespark appears to have become nothing more than a giant cliff's notes webpage - what happened to all the fun and interesting science experiments the boys used to do?... i could keep myself amused on that website for hours... oh and then i have to work ALL fucking weekend... argued with myself as to whether or not to blog just because all i will do is bitch, whine and snivel... does my non-existent readership even want to hear it? probably not but i'm here anyway...

AND WORST OF ALL - email from the other half of k&pcon saying that the august trip may be off... this depresses me more than i can begin to write... i understand perfectly the reasoning behind the email but i can't quite get over it... i hate my job, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, HATE IT and the only reason it was tolerable was at least i had aug 22nd-27th to look forward to... now, without that, well, fuck it, i just want to go and consume an ENORMOUS amount of carbs, quit my job and lay in bed for the rest of the summer... who cares how fat i am? i won't need to look good for mandalay beach... i know i am being a rather large baby about this... i don't want kathy to sit in an airport for 3 days... i don't... i thoroughly understand this and it would indeed be a far worse thing to have to cancel at the last minute because the girl can't get out of the u.k.... talk about MAJOR let-down... it's just so frustrating....
another worry should we reschedule k&pconiv - uninvited tag-alongs may try to jump on board our ship... and i refuse to spend my vacation with a woman who turns down the first hotel room offered her just as a matter of course and who has some sort of neurotic need to possess kathy's soul when i am around ... ugh....

should i go across the street, eat a burger WITH BUN and a big old basket of fresh potato chips with del mar sauce and then order some chocolate cake for lunch? goddamn but i want to...the rest of my life sucks so much ass why not?

i love my cat...

2004-06-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

i'm bored, bored, bored, bored, BORED... so i thought i would provide you, dear readers, with a comprehensive list of
Things You Must Do In Vegas (not in any particular order)
1. Before you leave home, visit cheapovegas. You'll be glad you did.
2. Visit any of the dozens of Sephora's that litter the Strip. Buy bubble bath and cheap nail polish. Go Glam.
3. Drink champagne on the patio of the Fontana bar at home while watching the fountains. If you don't like champagne (and there must be something wrong with you if you don't), order a Calvados Sidecar - YUM!
4. Go see Thunder From Down Under - drink a lot, dance on the table and scream at Australian men in their underpants. Except for this especial trip, avoid hell entirely, AT ALL COSTS!
5. Sushi King at the Stardust. Cheap. Fascinatingly downscale clientele. Yum.
6. Spa. Whatever hotel you are in, just Spa. It will wash the taste of anything yucky you experience out of your mouth.
7. I cannot say it enough times - tempt the Malevolent Spirit to possess you at the Coral Reef Lounge at Mandalay Bay.
8. Visit the ladies (or men's) room at RumJungle - voted Sexiest Bathroom in Vegas by the staff of Feral In Vegas.
9. Drink a flight of champagne at Napoleon's at Paris.
10. Get very drunk. Visit the Boardwalk. Ask a member of their staff how you buy tickets to ride the ferris wheel. Marvel at the fact that this dump is owned by mgm-mirage .
11. Voted Best Buffet in Vegas by the staff of Feral In Vegas - Buffet at home. GIANT SHRIMP!!!
12. Go smell a casino - visit mandalay bay, treasure island, home and the venetian. ***WARNING - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SMELL THE FOLLOWING: circus circus, slots-a-fun or hell, The Sewer or The Imp. Trust me, I'm looking out for you on this one. ***
13. Like playing the odds? Try to get a cocktail waitress at Monte Carlo to bring you a drink. Just try it. Good fuckin' luck.
14. Get dressed up. Go have dinner at Drai's. Yes, I know it is in the basement of The Sewer. But it is incredible. I promise.
15. Drop off your sharps at mccarran airport.
Now go!! Get out there!! Have fun!!

2004-06-16T11:42:00.000-07:00

it just can't stop getting any better - once again kathy's nimble fingers have found us a fab deal for kate&pansyconIV and i must report it:
We are checked into THEhotel aug 24 - 27 on a wonderful package that looks like this:
2 complimentary admissions to THEbathhouse spa
10% off spa treatments therein
a complimentary gift from The Art of Shaving at Mandalay Place
&
3 complimentary skinclinic products with the purchase of any treatment
and our suite-rates for those nights actually got LOWER!!!!
i'm telling you - this year's k&pcon is ramping up to be the best EVER!

The Big Empire Cocktail Soiree and related events were held this last weekend in Vegas... once again, i missed out and boy am i sorry... although i can't help but think how disgusted matt and stinky (but not dan after his big adventure at the Rio!) would be by my need for luxury... someday i hope to attend despite it and meet my vegas heroes... i guess we'll just have to wait for the trip report to see how it all went down... here's to hoping that stinky got laid this year!!!

in other news the carb-control is working a treat... i haven't weighed myself but the clothes are fitting like nobody's baby... and for the most part i am over the cravings... yes, it would be lovely to have a big hunk of bread or a huge plate of pasta or a giant slice of chocolate cake but i can live without it on a regular basis... it can be a special occasion thing... especially when it works this well....

how are things at work? you ask... boss is out of town for the week... so better...

63 MORE DAYS AND COUNTING!!!!!

2004-06-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

i think i spelled sulfur wrong yesterday... i put an e in there instead of a u... i don't like misspelling things... it makes me look like a fucking moron... i don't like looking like a fucking moron... so if anyone finds spelling mistakes in my blog, please feel free to point them out to me so that i can correct them, i won't be angry or hurt or anything, i'll be grateful.... not that i believe that anyone reads this besides maybe two specific people...
oh and only 67 DAYS LEFT TIL KATE&PANSYCONIV!!!!!!!
i think i'll just bring my fucking sleeping bag to work and move in... i pretty much live here as it is... sigh...

2004-06-11T17:40:00.000-07:00

68 MORE DAYS TIL KATE&PANSYCONIV!!!
i swear to the goddess listening to weenradio is the only reason to bother coming to work anymore... well that and making the money to go to kate&pansyconiv... let's all hold hands and scream it together, kids,"I HATE MY JOB! I HATE MY JOB! I HATE MY GODDAMN COCKSUCKING SHITASS SONOFABITCH MOTHERFUCKING JOB!!!"...today was unusually bad... i have managed to avoid being screamed at by my boss for almost two years - the entire time i have worked for her - and that is quite a feat - it helps that i physically work far away from her... but today i put myself in harm's way and i caught it... and it was just as fucking terrifying as i've heard it can be... fire shooting and flames scorching and the smell of fucking sulfer and all... she's got a reputation if you know what i mean... she, as they say, burns through staff... i've always been proud to say that i have a way of managing with her but today i blew it apparently... i cried for about an hour afterwards... thank bast-et for my friend nikki... she held my hand and made me feel better... she was having a shitty-ass day too because her boss sucks butt.... we all hate our jobs here... she said, "let's just work here til august and then run off to san juan and sell coconuts on the beach"... i can't live on the beach... i am too high-maintenance... and besides i have to make enough money to keep myself constantly preparing for next year's kate&pansycon....
but maybe after this year's kate&pansycon... if there isn't movement in getting me off that 50% of my job that i loathe more than life itself, it might be time to start the jobsearch again... not that i know what i want to do with myself when i grow the fuck up or anything... oh fuck... i give up... i know what i really want to do ... i want someone to pay me to read house of leaves and take naps with my cat on 800 threadcount sheets in a dark, cool, dust-free, airconditioned environment... doesn't that just sound like a slice of heaven?
checked the oldnavy.com website... the pink camouflage pants are not there... i will continue to check in hopes that they might show up... i will never give up on the pink camouflage pants... i forgot to mention that i did find pink camouflage board shorts that day... they are rather short for board shorts but they are cute... better than nothing, right? oh well...
oh, i also want to mention that i hate rich young debutantes... we have some of those as volunteers where i work... they think they can just breeze in and out of here and do and say whatever the fuck they want to staff... and we just have to take it and like it...the behavior of those who have always had too much money never ceases to amaze and disgust me... what must it be like to be daddy's princess? i can't imagine? i am nothing but daddy's disappointment...
i love my cat.

2004-06-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

It all started with the pink camouflage pants. I've had my eye on these pants at old navy for a month or two now. Wanted them so badly. A couple weeks ago I go in there and they are on sale - SO excited! I'm at the Pasadena store - up by the Best Buy and Bed,Bath & Beyond on Foothill and I go tearing through the racks looking for my size (you didn't think I was going to tell you what size I was did you? I may tell you about my sex life but I'm not stupid enough to tell you about how fat I am) and, of course, it's NOT THERE. NOT THERE. JUST NOT THERE. I go to the rack that's out in the middle of the store that's just come from the dressing room that's full of clothes that people have tried on that the poor kids who work in the store have just sorted out and rehung. No luck there. I go back to the dressing room and ask if they have my size pink camo capris back there anywhere. Nope. I search the floor nearby. Nope. I search other racks to see if anybody has hung up a pair in the wrong place. Nope. So I haul my ass to the Arcadia store before it closes in hopes that I might find some there. Same fucking story. Every size but mine on the rack. Nothing on the "just returned to the floor rack". Nothing back in the dressing room. Nothing anywhere on the floor. Nothing on another rack. So I soothed myself by trying on a bunch of other clothes. Bikini tops and shorts for Kate&PansyConIV. Big. Mistake.
It was an ugly "come-to-jesus" there in the fitting room of Old Navy. All that weight I'd lost over thanksgiving and xmas last year at Weight Watchers had come back. And another scary thing had happened. My breasts had gotten old and gravity had done disturbing things to them. I had never understood why a woman couldn't wear a string bikini top before. Now I did. These kittens needed support in the worst way. Was I depressed.
Did i feel like going back to points? Did i feel like going back to meetings? Did i feel like facing that fucking soup again? Did i feel like having to constantly think about food? Plan my meals? No. I didn't.
So i decided to do the carb thing. The whole rest of the world is doing it.
I've done it once before, very successfully. Back in '99. Back when it was much harder. Back before there were a million products on the market and every fast food joint and restaurant had the options available... back then i lived on bacon, sausage, cheeseburgers with no buns, hard cheese, tuna and chicken salad and iceberg lettuce... it was fucking hell but i did it to fit into a $4000 wedding dress (now THAT is motivation, man)... nowadays it's much easier... so i've been doing this for almost 2 weeks... i just found carb-controlled yogurt last night! not bad! it's alot easier! expensive but easier.... i'm over the "give me a french fry or shoot me in the neck" cravings - that was last week... i had horrible headaches last week because of the carb detox... oh it was bad... at 4pm and 10pm i would just be so out of control... and i did a bit of b&p... went out and ate up a big old bunch of carbs and barfed it up immediately... but i am past that now...

And in other news... the itinerary for Kate&PansyConIV has changed! So sit up and pay attention, boys and girls, grab your notepads and write this down!
We still start out at Kathy's High School reunion where we will be doing our "Transatlantic Lesbian Lover" act. Then it's off to a dumpy motel in Mojave for a quick overnight and then we're on the road again to Vegas with a stop at Bun Boy for breakfast. Before you know it we'll be rolling into town for Sunday champagne brunch either at home or Mandalay Bay. But wait kids, this is where it gets interesting. Thanks to whipsmart Kate and her internet saavy fingers we've got ourselves a change in plans when it comes to venue for the first couple nights. We're saving ourselves a bundle by staying the first two nights at the Las Vegas Hilton! Yes, it's a come-down but we've decided that it's worth it. Plus we like the whole rags-to-riches way of doing Vegas - it's the way we did Kate&PansyConII and it fits with the Mojave Motel stay of the night before. Plus this package deal Kate found gets us two nights at the Hilton, free admission to Star Trek: The Experience (can't wait to get assimilated by the Borg! it's a brand new adventure!), a free meal at Quark's and discounts at the Star Trek retail (yes, I am a trekker-nerd-grrrl, i am proud to admit it - voyager is my favorite and i have no shame). As well as experiencing a whole new spa, we'll be visiting another exciting discovery Kate's nimble fingers found on the web - the Double Down Saloon and my proud little nugget of gold gleaned from the virtual pages of Vegas on 25¢ a Day, Lotus of Siam - purported to be the best Thai food in North America, ironically located in a strip mall somewhere in the crappy part of town.
So after we slum it up over at the Hilton we'll be moving it over to THEhotel at Mandalay Bay on the 24th of August. Then it's champagne and roses and Mandalay Beach! I'll be fit for my board shorts and my bikini top (string no less!) and have my new tattoo by then as well!!!!
So that's the update kids. Hope you are as excited as we are. 69 MORE DAYS TIL BLAST OFF!!!!!!

2004-05-26T07:28:00.000-07:00

all those gifts!!! kate has me SO intrigued - can't wait to see what she's gotten me! kate really is the best gift giver! so as you may have guessed my bloody birthday is coming - it's this sunday... and i still haven't decided what i want to do... i always have the most horrible birthdays... really dreadful... whether i plan something to do or let other people plan my birthdays or just hide under the covers and pretend it isn't happening it almost always is a complete disaster, i just can't seem to get it right, the universe is aligned against me... if i weren't so tired and so sick of telling the horrible story i would tell you all about my 16th birthday which was the absolute worst and i always like to say made molly ringwald's in "16 Candles" look like a fucking dream... but i've told it so many times and this headcold i've got has me dragging and, well i'll tell it another time, suffice to say it leaves her story in the dust...
at first i was all amped up cos i thought i'd go see "napoleon dynamite" for my birthday but then, of course, i find out it comes out on june 11th... then i thought, it might be fun to go to the beach, or maybe knot's berry farm or something like that - oh but wait - it's fucking, memorial day weekend - how could i forget? my birthday is always memorial day weekend, i can't go anywhere or do anything because the entire rest of the fucking world is already there doing it first ... and the crowds and the long waits make me crazy... so john and i will probably go to dinner somewhere... maybe we'll figure out a movie or something... there's really not a whole lot out there i want to see... got only halfway through "supersize me" - maybe we'll try again to see that? and it's not like i can stay out late or have some really fun cocktails that night cos i have to be up at crack of fucking dawn the next day for work - stupid parade in la canada... ugh... i guess now it's time to talk about ...

Why My Blog Is So Thin On The Ground Lately. ... it's work's fault... it really is... right now i am working six damn days a week at my job and i am NOT happy about it... i'm doing it for two reasons A. my boss wants me to and B. i need to bank the comp time for kate&pansyconIV... so it is worth it but k&pconIV does seem so far away and i am so very tired and so very miserable with this horrible headcold... and my life is so boring right now... all i do is sleep and work and talking about work is not interesting cos all i can do is bitch bitch bitch about how much i hate my job and why i want to quit and never see this place again and i fear saying too much about this because you never know who is reading your blog and what they might put together... what if my boss finds my blog (highly unlikely) and figures out that it's my blog (even more highly unlikely)? legally i don't think she could do anything to me but you don't know my boss, she could really do a number on me to make me miserable and that's all i can say about that... so that's Why My Blog Is So Thin On The Ground Lately

one good thing that's happened at work lately - they fixed the vent on the morgue so that it blows its disgusting hot morgue air away from us as we are walking from the parking lot to our offices and back... you don't realize what a treat it is not to have the hot stink of death blown all over you twice a day until you no longer have it...

2004-05-20T10:36:00.000-07:00

went with john to get his tattoo last night and i was SO jealous... kat is working parttime at this awesome shop in fullerton called Classic Tattoo... it's a really nice old place with lots of cool artwork... kat did a great job (as usual!) - he got an aztec-inspired sun on his left arm... i made an appointment for july 30th to get the top of my right foot done - going to get a portrait of poopoolala (my brown tabbycat) stretch across my foot with her tail snaking up around my ankle - can't wait!

had a wonderful surprise for kathy this am ... got an email from her complaining that august was so far away and that she thought we wouldn't have enough time to do all we wanted on this next kate&pansycon and i was happy to reply and let her know that, while i agreed that it was too far away, we weren't in fact coming back on the 26th, we were staying over the 26th and coming home the 27TH!!! isn't that wonderful?! an extra night! one more night at the coral reef! one more night at sushi king! one more spa experience! one more bottle of champagne! one more apple martini! (no more chocolate martinis for me, thanks!) one more buffet! one more trip to sephora!

if i had to come back to life as a guy i think i'd come back as bam margera... bam rocks.

2004-05-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

i was driving home from work yesterday and i passed this stupid church that always has these stupid sayings on their little marquis out front... they are always trying to be terribly clever or cute or make the unsaved stop and think "ah, maybe i do need god in my life" - it's one of these creepy, mayonnaisey, white-bread, non-denominational, happy-clappy, 1,000-yard-vacant-stare-looking churches and this week their marquis says "WHAT DO YOU WANT JESUS TO DO FOR YOU?" and the first thing that came to my mind was i want jesus to detail my car ... really, honestly, i do... now i don't know if jesus is any good at detailing cars, or if he has experience doing it, not that i really think it matters, i mean, give him some rags, some soapy water, a toothbrush, some wax, a trashcan and plenty of time and i think he'd be able to figure it out pretty well on his own... i'm not asking for it to be done overnight... i just want a clean car, inside and out... and then i started thinking, what else would i like jesus to do for me? i mean, he is supposed to be the son of god, after all, and i would imagine he could probably handle a few more chores on his plate... perhaps jesus could clean out poopoo's catbox - full scrubbing and new litter? that would be nice, i know poopoo would appreciate it... i'm sure john would appreciate it if jesus would take gigi on a couple of extra walks a day - that wouldn't be too bad... i think jesus could also get up early and make my coffee and lunch every day as well... yes, there's a lot that i'd like jesus to do for me... so why isn't he doing this stuff, i'd like to know? probably because i'd have to make some kind of arrangement involving my soul and, you know, i just don't feel comfortable with that... i'm just not handing it over to jesus to do with as he sees fit... it's hard to trust a guy who started the whole "men wearing sandals trend", had such a poor sense of realpolitik and then there's the whole long hair thing - i loathe long hair on men - i can't even tolerate it - it's just NOT an option...
kathy has just informed me that hell has opened a spa... it's fifteen clams to get in if you are unlucky enough to be staying there and $20 bucks if you are stupid or stoned enough to stumble in if not an inmate of the dungeon... well, kate&pansyconIV promises to be the longest and drunkest kate&pansycon yet and i am already pushing a trip to hell's very own spa for a drunken bacteriafest so that you, loyal readership that does not exist, can benefit from our investigative journalism... and benefit you will, i promise...

2004-05-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

it's time to talk about rumjungle.... now other people will tell you that rumjungle isn't the coolest place to be in vegas... they'll try to talk you into to going to "v" at the Venetian (we stood in line for 10 minutes to get into the place, we were told we could pay "two fifty for a table" i said to my friends "they want us to give them two dollars and fifty cents to sit at a table?" and my friends said "no, dumbass, two hundred and fifty dollars for a table"... we said no thank you... we walked in and sat down at an empty bar... lots of empty tables i had a ridiculously expensive chocolate martini and fell in love for about 10 minutes with a bartender who only had eyes for one of the cocktail waitresses who weighed maybe 17 lbs ... the place sucked ass) or ghostbar (lots of icky icky icky men and trashy chicks who thought they were way too cute, the place made my skin crawl and i couldn't wait to get out of there, had 3 chocolate martinis before my friends decided they didn't like the place either... not a fan of those maloof brothers)... then there's the ridiculous voodoo lounge (that was a much-anticipated trip, kate and i wasted a chunk of change getting into that joint and we were disappointed - crap jazz bad and lots of aging baby boomers desperately trying to hook-up before the night was over)... you can have all of these places - i'll take rumjungle any day...
rumjungle, located at mandalay bay, right next door to red square, and in the vicinity of the notorious coral reef lounge (and right smack dab in the way of the Malevolent Spirit, so expect a visit!) is a nightclub/bar you've got to experience... an enormous menu of rum concoctions awaits you... (this is one time it is perfectly fine to order the fussiest, most enormous, fruit-laden bitchdrink known to humanity)... they've got huge walls of water, platforms suspended by chains from the ceiling upon which go-go dancers shake their things, cocktail waitresses in patent leather miniskirts and platform thigh-high boots and zebra-striped haltertops (yes, i have many-a-time entertained fantasies of up and moving to vegas just to be a cocktail waitress at rumjungle - it would be fucking AWESOME!)... open flames leaping out at you and lots of grilled satay little meats on skewers... and then there's the bathrooms - the bathrooms ROCK!... lit only by candles, they are the sexiest bathrooms in all of vegas, if not quite probably, in all of the world... if ever you wanted to have filthy sex in a bathroom with slaughter or ross or diar or any of the boys in the manuscript, well you want to have it in vegas in the ladies at rumjungle at around 1am... it's fabulous... and when you're done you can shoo the boy away and use all the fabulous cosmetics they have there for you to fuss yourself up with and make yourself right and beautiful again... cos you know those boys are going to mess up your hair and makeup... that's what they do...
in any case, i highly recommend a trip to rumjungle, eat drink, pee and be merry whilst you are there... it's a fabulous place and it deserves your custom!

2004-05-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

i think it should be a federal law that all workplaces must have naprooms and that these naprooms must be sex-segregated so that i can take a nap on a comfortable bed in a cool, quiet, darkened room with down pillows and soft chenille blankets in a germ-free environment where men are not going to be bothering me... whenever i am tired... that's what i think....

that last kate&pansycon was a very spur of the moment kate&pansycon... kate decided to come out and visit and we weren't doing any vegasing and then suddenly we were! so i called around just before she was coming out and found us a really great rate at luxor and talked to kate up at her parent's house and she said, "book it!" so i called luxor up and i did! quite happily for her we were both too broke and it was much too late to book flights so we drove... we stopped at bloody bun boy and ate... and soon enough we were in vegas... it was a quick trip but ah... a good one... my first stay at luxor and i was highly suspicious... i had never been a huge luxor fan - i remember visiting right after it opened way, way back and i loved the place - back when they had the barge ride and the first two parts of the monolith trilogy - i thought it was fabulous back then but of course they managed to go ahead and ruin it... they lost all that stuff that i thought was so good and it went downhill fast... every time i had visited since the casino had seemed slightly tarnished and nothing seemed impressive about the place... kate maintained that the spa was fab... so i stood there at check-in looking around the place, taking in the sights, determined to have a good attitude and, to tell the truth, thrilled just to get to spend time with my kate, not caring where we were... having your best friend live all the way across the atlantic can really suck in a lot of ways!
first thing kate did was request a tower room which i learned is key to a good luxor experience... sure the pyramid is cool because you are in the center of the action as far as the casino, the windows are slanted and you get to ride the inclinator but the tower rooms are A. NEWER which always means BETTER and B. HAVE BATHTUBS which is VERY important in a kate&pansycon stay... bubble baths are a big part of the kate&pansycon experience... (did either of us tell you about the bathtub at home my goddess, you've never known water pressure til you've been in a bathtub there... and huge, talk about enormous, now THAT is a bathtub... i could live in a bathtub at the bellagio... sigh...)
so we check in and go up to the room and i have to say, i was pleased... very pleased, the room was lovely, very well-themed, lots of nice egyptian touches, hypostyle columns, lotuses, prints, etc... beautiful rugs, the colours are nice but none of it is overdone or cartooney... it was a fresh, clean room... i have nothing but nice things to say about the towers at luxor... give them a go if you want a very reasonably priced, clean, well-appointed room in vegas... another nice thing about them - you get this cool little coupon book which gets you one free spa visit - and the spa at luxor is pretty cool... nice steam room (i'm sure the sauna is nice, i don't do saunas - they make me sick), hot and cold plunge, nice fruit juices, coffees, waters, the showers are different flavors (mint, cucumber, orange blossom, mango, raspberry, etc) with shower gel, shampoo and conditioners to match... it's a lot of fun... full assortment of treatments at your leisure.... you also get a coupon for money off purchases in the bazaar and that's kind of cool because their bazaar has some different egyptian stuff... not the usual crap sequined old lady las vegas cabana wear or logo baseball caps you find in most hotel gift shops... there's a couple other coupons in there but i can't remember what they were for...
of course the two other most important things about that trip were fascinating discoveries that we happened upon, things that i have touched briefly upon in this blog and things that i shall discuss in more detail here now... these are:
1. Thunder From Down Under ... now let me first state that kate and i had made a pact long before this kate&pansycon to never set foot inside the evil halls of hell again... you see, once you set foot inside hell, much like caesar's, it is almost impossible to get out... i'm not joking here... rarely have i accidentally ambled my way into excalibur and not then spent at least 45 minutes climbing stairs and wandering past endless table games and court jesters and drunken college girls in viking hats trying to find the fucking exit....only to swear i will never, ever in a million goddamn years do that again... kate and i have done this together several times only to find ourselves in the same damn situation because of the tricky way they have that tram that goes from excalibur to luxor to mandalay bay set up... they make it well-nigh impossible to not accidentally get swept into hell... but this last trip... as we rode the tram back and forth to mandalay bay (eluding hell easily as we never even got as far as hell (wink!) we kept seeing the little video and the posters for thunder from down under the Hot! Aussie! All-Male! Strip! Revue! That! Has! Been! Thrilling! American! Women! For! Months! well that was it, kate had seen enough, next thing i knew kate was dragging me straight into the mouth of Hell Itself to the little ticket window and yes, we were purchasing tickets to see these muscle-bound australian fellows take their clothes off and run around in nylon underpants.... needless to say we had a few before the show started and then had more than a few more during the show... we stood on the table, we danced, we screamed, we hollered, we drank some more, we hooted, we acted like animals... we picked out our favorites - kate was partial to the boy who resembled a young slaughter who might get out of the chorus in a year or two if he played his cards right - i favored the "third dancer" as i liked to call him... we do intend to go back and drink some more daiquiris this kate&pansycon and see if "young slaughter" has graduated to his own number and if my boy is still with the show ... and see if maybe one of us can get pulled onstage to simulate a sex act with an australian - you just never know...
and
2. The Malevolent Spirit of The Coral Reef Lounge
When you get off the tram at Mandalay Bay don't follow the crowd to the staircase... if you keep your eyes open, just to the left as you pass a little stand where a couple of guys are sitting on stools there is a small elevator with a handicap placard (and i'm only blogging about this because i have virtually no readership so i'm fairly sure my and kate's secret elevator will not become overrun by others) - but anyone can take the secret elevator... you'll save lots of time... the elevator will take you directly to the casino floor and dispense you right into the lovely perfumed air of mandalay bay... exit the elevator, hug the wall to your right and move past house of blues, do not enter house of blues... keep walking, ignore the slot machines... you are not going to win big in mandalay bay, trust me.... keep walking through the casino, past the Island Lounge in the middle of the casino... yes, it looks pretty with the fountains and the statues and the lounge acts seem terribly classy and it all looks terribly elegant but that's not what you want, trust me... keep walking... what is that? a sushi bar? yes, that's it, there on the right - no, not that restaurant with the giant statue of Lenin out front - that's Red Square and yes, I'm sure it's fun - what with all the vodka, but no, you aren't going there... yes, yes, i know, i've told you how fabulous rumjungle is and you so want to visit rumjungle but we aren't going there now so just focus on the object of our visit - yes, it's the Coral Reef Lounge - thankfully we've got a few moments before the musical act takes the stage so we can grab a decent table and order some drinks - oh look here come the almost indecently clad cocktail waitress - normally i'd order a chocolate martini but i've sworn off of them for reasons having to do with trips to the e.r. (don't ever get alcohol poisoning in vegas - the medical staff is anything but sympathetic)... ah and now sticky fingers and his crew take the stage and my god is the music kitcschy disco and watch as the aging hipsters take the floor and dance and THERE, THERE He is! THE POOR SCHMUCK WHOSE BODY HAS BEEN INHABITED BY THE MALEVOLENT SPIRIT OF THE CORAL REEF LOUNGE!... now i know for a fact that the Malevolent Spirit lies dormant when kate and i aren't in town together for i was in vegas last december with another girlfriend and i made two trips on subsequent nights to the coral reef lounge to look for Him and He never showed... how did i know? it's the kind of thing kate and i can sense in an instant.. that first night that kate and i found Him He had taken over the body of a man in a rather large straw hat who was intent on dancing extravagantly with every woman in the lounge that night, including both kate and i... kate and i, of course, said no as we knew that the spirit meant us no good, that It would draw us into Its web of evil and trap us and do us harm..... ah but how It gyrated and tormented the body occupied... i'm sure that poor man was never the same afterwards... the second night the Spirit found itself and buttoned-up, highly-polished looking bald accountant type in his early 30's... the kind of guy who looked like he should be home cleaning his golf clubs at that hour or maybe going over his stock portfolio... but for some reason he'd been lured into the coral reef lounge much to his own destruction... and then It had done its evil magic on him... before too long this poor man was shedding clothes like a whore in spearmint rhino and flailing his body like a and extra from breakin' 2 electric boogaloo... and he just went on and on and on and he wouldn't stop... of course kate and i were heartbroken that we had to go home the next day because we could hardly wait to see just who the Malevolent Spirit would overtake the next night...
So the big question is, who will be it be the night of August 22nd? Hmmm? I wonder if the Malevolent Spirit has internet access? Do you read my blog by any chance, Mr. Spirit? Cos i'm calling your ass out.... who's it gonna be? Cos we'll be there, drinks in hand, just waiting to see what you're bringing to the party.....

2004-05-14T17:03:00.000-07:00

you know i'd love to link to a salon article here about a couple of foodies who taste-tested some low-carb snacks but then anyone who wanted to read the article would have to go through the whole pain in the ass thing of watching the bloody ultramercial to get the free day pass and i'm sorry but i won't inflict that on people... yes, i often watch the ultramercial daily to get to salon articles, only 'cos i tend to be so bored at work i'll to anything to kill an hour or two but really, i have to say that it's a burr in my side to have to do it and i also believe that the quality of content on salon has gone down significantly since the whole "view the ultramercial or pay us to read our crap" thing came about... i used to LOVE salon... now i merely sort of like it kind of...

kathy is right about my luggage... i had forgotten all about that part of the trip... that was pretty bad... and i don't remember turning to her and saying "I am ready to die" in that goulish way... i think i might have mentioned it in a more philosophical sense... i don't know... i go through these phases you know? ever since the still's disease when i was laying in bed in the hospital watching the "Slowly Ambling Toward Death Whilst On Lots Of Lovely Drugs Channel For The Elderly" i am not really afraid of dying - i probably had a little tangent on that and i'm sure it sounded rather gruesome and awful considering we were on a plane that was pretty turbulent at the time... but my attitude on airplanes that are flying towards las vegas is A. fuck the turbulence, i am on my way to vegas - you can shake as much as you like, just get me there and B. there better not be anybody on this plane that intends to get in the way of me landing at mccarren in the next 45 minutes cos if there is, whoever you are, you are in for a world of fuckin' hurt, my friend, NOBODY comes between ME and MY TOWN!... so it's pretty difficult to get me too stressed on a plane to vegas unless you tell me you are getting me there like 8 hours late or you are taking me to cuba instead - now THAT would stress me out... oh and the fucking biohazardous waste/"drop off your sharps" bins in the bathrooms at mccarran! - those fucking ROCK! i can't believe they don't have those at LAX, of course they would never have something like that at burbank, burbank is way too parochial for something like that... that just goes to show you want kind of an awesome city vegas is... and that cool shuttle/train thing they have that takes you from the gate to the main part of the airport where you pick up your luggage... i just love mccarran... it makes me so happy...

so i clicked send on the "i'm breaking up with you email" and he sent back the world's nicest email ever... way WAY better than i deserve... yes, ladies and gentlemen, i am going to hell... not that this is a shock... i have known i am going to hell for a very long time now, i just got the confirmation letter and seat assignment, that's all... i feel horrible, just horrible for everything i have written in the blog about him and i wanted to go back and censor the blog but have been told that would be wrong, that i should leave the blog unedited... i just hope he never sees it... he (like most men) is not a reader, so i think it's a fairly good chance he'll never see it... needless to say, i'll never blog negatively about him again... and once again, may i state, i am going to hell.... of course i won't be alone... many of my nearest and dearest will be there with me cos i tend to associate with people just as bad as myself...

and my ultimate way to get to vegas? I would have to say private jet... with floyd and ali... dividing their time between serving me G&T's and fighting over my favours (hey, you did say it was MY ULTIMATE WAY - it's a fantasy, right? and i am allowed to have any fantasy i want - despite the fact that slaughter would never go for it).... yep, that works just fine for me, kate, thank you very much...

2004-05-11T11:25:00.000-07:00

so to continue yesterday's blog - he orders these fussy bitchdrinks everywhere we would go and it starts to get embarrassing after a while, you know... i'm ordering merzen at gordon biersch and he's ordering coke with just "tiny shot of rum in it please"... and i have nothing against pina coladas or daiquiris or whatever but that's the kind of shit you drink out by the pool at home or even better at thunder... once when we were out i made him taste my gin and tonic and you would have thought i was feeding him poison or something... the boy is 24 fucking years old, it's time to GROW THE FUCK UP...
13. He doesn't like Law & Order... he tolerates watching Law & Order but doesn't really like it... he wouldn't even watch like 1 minute of Law & Order : CI and well, i LOVE vincent d'onofrio... how do you not LOVE any of the Law & Orders? especially CI?
14. He likes guns... i don't like guns... at ALL... ever... in any way, shape or form... and that is never going to change.
... more tomorrow when i remember to get the list out of my car...

meanwhile i sent him an email breaking up with him... i know it's a crappy way to do it but you know, i just can't take the stomach aches anymore... it needed to be done... i'm sure if i had any kind of readership i would get a comment or two telling me that i am a cold-hearted bitch for doing it that way but, hey, it's my life and a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do... and remember, this guy did tell me i gave average blow jobs...

i took a dog to price is right today... i got so fuckin' lost... and traffic sucked ass... let me just say here that bob barker is an ass... aside from the whole sexual discrimination lawsuit thing and then the whole needing people to crap on glass topped coffee tables to get off (not that that necessarily makes him an ass, it just makes him kind of icky), bob doesn't like OLD dogs... excuse me but BOB HIMSELF is pretty damn fuckin OLD himself... oh no, but god forbid bob have to deal with anything around him be old... whatever...

i gotta go... too much goddamn work to do...

2004-05-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

So now he calls and leaves me a voicemail (cos i wouldn't answer the phone when i saw it was him calling - yes i am that kind of person) telling me that 5-ish doesn't work for him and 7pm works better and i am just like, ugh, i so don't want to do this and he's just making it more difficult and why, why, why can't i just break up with him by email?...
oh and, with some help from several people, i've come up with some more Reasons...
11. Shakira. He's really into Shakira. Need i say anymore?
12. Bitchdrinks. He doesn't drink beer or wine...i think he said he's had like 3 beers in his whole life i think he's tasted wine like maybe twice... he doesn't like real alcohol... now i am a pussy when it comes to fucking whiskey, i admit... i can't drink that shit... i've tried, but i've also made a commitment to my darling kathy that when i come stay with her i'll go on the whiskey tour(s) and learn to drink the damn stuff... and i've even made pansy a fan of the stuff... but this guy - every where we go he'd order pina coladas and these house fluffy-ass drinks with tons of fruit and whipped cream and umbrellas or shit with chocolate chips all over it... and we'd go to starbucks and he's ordering fucking mochas and frappaccinos and machiattos (i can't spell that shit, i took french, not italian in college, i kind of wish i'd taken italian but i kind of wish i'd done a lot of shit different in college - maybe then i'd have a job where i made ACTUAL MONEY)

2004-05-08T08:05:00.000-07:00

There is something slightly obscene about the fact that i am telling the entire world about the break-up of my ridiculous two month affair with the 24 year old boy and yet i continue to write about it. Meanwhile my sweet soon to be ex-husband wants to know why i don't write about him... he asked me if it is because he hasn't pissed me off... i'm not sure why i haven't written about him... he hasn't pissed me off at all lately... we are getting on like a house afire...
so the 24 year old calls me at like 8:30pm last night to tell me that he can't meet up saturday night (nikki wasn't at all suprised to hear this when i told her this am) and he wanted to know if we could meet up on sunday again and i said, "sunday is mother's day and i have plans" and he was like, "it is? i forgot..." pretty fucked up for a momma's boy if you ask me, but you didn't... so i said "how about monday evening, around 5pm?" and he said, "ok" and i said, "i'll text or im you with a location" and he said that was ok... so if this time around gets fucked up or cancelled then i am just going to email him that we are breaking up cos i can't keep doing this... it needs to be over... i can't do this anymore - enough is enough...

2004-05-07T19:31:00.000-07:00

My current favorite ween song is Bananas & Blow ... funny thing, i don't own "White Pepper", but it's next on my shopping list...

hey, if anybody out there can tell me how the hell i can make the ugly orange go away on the title of my blog i'd love to know... i managed to make the backgroud of my blog pretty pink (thanks to beautiful kathy!)and i'd like to make the title that same pink as well... i'm not a very good nerd i am afraid...

well i suppose it is pretty clear that i have decided to break up with the boyfriend by now but i haven't done it yet... i took a poll amongst my workmates and friends and this is how it came out:
break up by email - II
break up over the phone - I
break up by text message - II
break up in person - IIIII
have nikki do it for me - I
so it looks like i have to do it in person... which i kind of agree with, i think i would feel like a rotter if i did it any other way... i've been totally avoiding him... hiding from him on yahoo as invisible, not answering my cellphone... he's stopped calling or texting, hasn't emailed... i finally went online and made myself visible yesterday afternoon and told him we needed to meet and talk and he said that sounded fine and he said "when?" and i said, "how about today, like 5-ish?" and he said he couldn't do that, he was thinking maybe more like saturday or sunday and i was like, dude, sunday is mother's day, not cool so i said, "how about late saturday afternoon?" and he said that sounded ok cos he had to work saturday night (that was good because A. that makes it not a date and B. that means there is a concrete end to this meeting) so i said well, "why don't you contact me when you know what time will work?" and i still haven't heard from him... which on one hand kind of annoys me cos now that i am all amped to do this and get it all over with and crap well, i want to do it and get it over with, right? and then on the other hand, well, maybe he has gotten a clue and knows what's coming and just wants to let it die a natural death instead which would be just fine by me as well... i'd LOVE to not have this conversation and let us drift apart and never see each other again, that would be great... i am such a huge pussy, i swear...

so last night the entire world supposedly came to a goddamn screeching halt so they could all watch the last episode of friends... well fuck friends, i say... i stopped watching that show years ago... like in 97 i think... my last semester at college... i remember because i had that lame art class on thursay evenings and after i would go and get tortured by drawing fucking shoes and paper bags and big fat naked guys (ugh) i would come back to my room and drink myself drunk on gin and tonics and watch friends and whatever came next til i would fall asleep in my sad giant room all by myself while all the rich girls partied around me on campus...
well last night I didn't watch friends... no i managed to find something WAY better on tv last night - was it on cable? NOPE! it was on regular old 2 - 13; it was good old fox - they were brilliant - it was 2 WHOLE HOURS OF COPS!!! and not just regular old cops - but 2 WHOLE HOURS OF CRIMES OF PASSION COPS! it was so awesome... drunk-ass white trash slappin' on each other, it was heaven on earth, i wouldn't have missed it for the world... i can't believe it took me so long to discover the brilliance of this show... i just can't get enough...

2004-05-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

Check out my new look! i am so proud of myself - i have a links sidebar - i have comments and trackback - of course i have no idea what the hell trackback is but i have it! and i am olive green ... olive green is my new color this season... pink and olive green ... love them both this spring...

oh and i need to amend #10 below to read ... i am happy when i am in las vegas WITH KATE... thank you.

So i feel it is important to let you kids know that vegas can not only be sublime, it can also be hell on earth... let me tell you a little bit about a few of my hell on earth experiences in vegas so you can avoid them... let's start out with THE TRIP FROM HELL otherwise known as:
"Don't Go To Vegas With Shellie Garcia" (and i don't give a crap if she ever finds and reads this cos i never intend to make up with her and it would do her good to read this blog cos it might give her a clue as to why i don't ever want to be friends with her again- see, i told you people i was a bitch yesterday and you didn't want to believe me)
...i hadn't been home from college for about a month which was unusual for me... normally i came home on thursday nights that semester and came back unwillingly monday morning straight to class... i wasn't exactly a social butterfly on campus... i hated the fact that i had to live on campus but it was necessary my senior year as i was doing my thesis and my foreign language and i was an A+ student (yes, at MY college we had +'s and -'s and they were important to me)... so i was working my little tail off and i was so pleased i finally had the chance to come that 20 minutes all the way home... i hadn't done laundry or seen my mom or my friends or my dog in over a month and i was exhausted and still had a ton of french homework to do but i was happy just to be off campus... about 10 minutes after i pulled in the driveway i got a call from shellie, my best friend of about 14 years, that she was going to vegas with her mom, her stepdad, mike, and her brother, gabe, who was turning 21 that weekend - they were meeting up with some other family members and would i like to go along? her mom, mike and gabe were all staying at NYNY but her mom wanted to get me and shellie our own room maybe there or maybe across the road at excalibur or maybe somewhere else... now this was back in '96... way back before home... way back before the kate and pansy days, people... waaaaay back before i understood the proper way to do vegas... i thought about it for a second... i was exhausted, i had no clean underwear, i had homework, i had no cash, i just wanted to take a nap and play with my dog... but there was my mother at my elbow whispering, "i'll loan you some underwear, here's a bag of quarters, you can sleep next weekend, the dog will always be here, go, go, GO!"... and we were getting our own room after all... me and shellie always did have fun when we were on our own.... why the hell not? so i said yes... "great!" she said, they'd be buy to pick me up in about 1/2 an hour...
when my mom handed me the grandmapants i should have stopped the whole thing right there but no, i didn't ... yes, i took the grandmapants to vegas... i don't know why, but i did... soon the buick skylark or lincoln towncar or chrysler cordoba or whatever giant grandpa car they were driving at the time pulled up... when i opened the backseat door to climb in, shellie's mother's perfume wafted out to strangle me - moment #2 when i should have backed away and said "no" but i didn't... no, i hefted my bag of grandmapants and quarters into the backseat floorboards and squirrelled myself into the tiny space allotted me next to shellie and her mother... mike was driving and gabe was playing d.j., shifting from one hideous metallica c.d. to another... between the very loud, headbanging, pounding is-this-what-kids-today-call-music and the sickening nausea-inducing odor of the perfume, i did not enjoy the 5 hour drive at all... no conversation was possible as it was not possible to hear oneself think, much less speak and working up any enthusiasm was simply out of the question... we were hardly on the 210 before i began to sense that this trip was damned... i thought about begging mike to turn around and leave me back at my house but my soul had been beaten into a tiny sad bloody pulp before too long and i was a sad quivering mess by Baker...
what seemed like a lifetime later we pulled up to newyorknewyork... i was pleased just to spill from the car... for the first time ever as i arrived in vegas i wasn't excited at all... we waited in line to check-in and all i could think was, "not much longer and you'll be in your own room" ... i hadn't taken a shower or changed clothes in like 16 hours and i was dying for both... i had on no make up and i felt so grimy and oily and yuck and just wanted a nice nap and some quality alone time to gather myself up and feel whole again.... but i was a trooper... i sucked it up and just pushed on... we got through check-in and went upstairs and got mike and gabe and shari (shellie's mom) all settled in to the room and finally shellie's mom turns to us and says, "ok girls, let's see about getting you guys a room over at excalibur-" and shellie says, "oh no mom, that's ok, we'll stay here" (!) and her mom says, "no, i said i'd get you guys a room and i will-" and shellie starts arguing with her and this goes on for several minutes until shellie convinces her to not get us a room and that we would just stay there in that room with them... now to THIS FUCKING DAY i will NEVER understand what THE FUCK that was all about... WHY THE HELL did she do that? i don't know what kind of pussy i was for just letting her do it and why i never questioned her... we remained friends for another 2 years and then the friendship took another year or so to slowly die a really REALLY ugly and painful death ... and i never did ask her WHY, WHY, WHY did she do that to me?! i remember just standing there, feeling my soul deflate as this argument continued and wondering how the fuck did i get here and what am i going to do now? of course, if this all happened today, which it wouldn't, it would never happen today, ever in a million years because i would never agree to a trip to vegas under those circumstances in the first place, but, if i did find myself in that situation, well i would take myself and my star trek mastercard with the high limit by taxi straight to paris or the mgm or some mid-level hotel and check myself in immediately without a second thought and leave shellie or whomever had done this to me there, goddamnit... and i probably wouldn't even bother with them for the rest of my stay... i'd just do the spa and drink some champagne and look for floyd and ali at napoleon's ... see an imax or two at luxor and maybe shop a bit, linger at the fountains back home, perhaps even take myself to see mamma mia! ... but i am a different me now than i was then, there is a lot less crap up with which i will put now and it took me a long time to get here... sadly, back then i was a meek little me, a quiet little me... a me that just stood by, horrified, no more like mortified by what shellie was doing to my trip... so there we were... the five of us were going to stay in this room, this tiny, tiny, tiny little room and let me tell you, when they say that NYNY does everything they can do to strive for authenticity they mean it -especially when it comes to minescule living conditions... this room was like 10 foot by 10 foot and you have to remember that 2 of these people staying in it with me were men, one of which was a 21 year old man and shellie's little brother to boot - the same little brother that i have known since he was like 7years old so that made it extra creepy and weird.... but there i was, stuck... and what suddenly made it even weirder was the realization that i was going to have to take a shower and none of them were going anywhere... so i gathered up my crap and headed into the bathroom... i took the quickest shower possible knowing that i was sharing with FOUR OTHER PEOPLE, of course if SOME PEOPLE hadn't been complete idiots i'd only be sharing with ONE OTHER PERSON but there you had it, NOTHING I COULD DO... so i get out of the shower and i'm hearing voices... voices that were not gabe, mike, shari or shellie... i open up the door a crack and it's ... who is it? shellie's grandma? and her husband ted? and who else is that? oh my god they were having a fucking family goddamn reunion there in the fucking hotel room and i'm standing there in a pair of grandmapants with dripping wet hair and i don't have ANY lipstick to speak of with me... talk about anxiety attack inducing... i somehow managed to get shellie's attention and she brought me my duffel and let me borrow her lipstick and her blowdryer and about 20 more minutes and i was mildly presentable... she followed me downstairs to the giftshop to look for lipstick (which they didn't have - i still can't believe this today - of course this was back in the days before you couldn't spit on the strip and hit a sephora two times no less) and then we met our "roommates", grandma, ted, her aunt (can't remember her name), her cousin (name of "scout"), and her cousin's lesbian lover (we'll call her "rocky" cos i think that was her name, i can't say for sure) at america for dinner... i don't remember what i ate, i just remember it was overpriced, i didn't like it, i didn't want to be there, i was overwhelmed by all these people, i was trapped, i couldn't escape and even if i could escape, i wouldn't be able to get back to the room because i didn't even have a fucking room key ... the best i could do was just go sit outside the door of the room and wait for somebody to show up sometime during the evening and let me in.... i was NOT a happy girl... after dinner shellie and i split off with rocky and scout and we all played some slots for a while and that wasn't too bad... they turned out to be a bit of fun... they took turns trying to shock senior citizens around us by talking about their sex toys and making out in the ladie's and telling me stories about the strip club they met in where scout was a bartender and rocky was a stripper.... after a while NYNY got really boring and i tried to convince shellie that it might be fun to leave and hit another casino but she would have none of that... i thought that was really weird because i was raised to believe that you don't touch down in any casino too long... you drink and fly, drink and fly, drink and fly... of course that was before kate and i discovered the magic of being a couple of barflies at the coral reef lounge but that is different, darlings, they need us there, to balance out the malignant spirit, you see... without us, it could get real, real ugly... but that is a different trip altogether! ... back to my story... so she refused to leave and that really annoyed me so i stuck out my lower lip and plunked myself down in front of a nickel slot and played some coins while shellie wandered off ... after about 10 minutes i went looking for her and when i finally found her she was sitting at a bank of dollar slots with her mom and her aunt and a huge bucket of dollar coins that her mom kept salting... there was no room for me so i threw myself down into a chair in the nearby sportsbook and tried not to sulk as the nighttime grew into the morning and shellie's moneypile grew due to her winning and her mom adding more and more money to the pile... i grew more and more annoyed because A. i was fucking exhausted and i wanted to go up to the room and obviously they weren't budging and i didn't have a key B. shellie and her mother had one of those tinderbox relationships where even a perceived change in temperature could cause huge raging rows that would last for months at a time and i was always the one there to mop up the tears and now they were thick as theives and i was shut out like yesterday's catfood C. my family never threw gambling money around like that but most of all D. WHERE WAS THE ROOM I'D BEEN PROMISED? WHY WAS I STAYING IN A ROOM WITH FOUR OTHER PEOPLE WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE STAYING WITH ONLY ONE? ...but i just sat there, trying to sleep in the sportsbook of NYNY and yet worried that the house fuzz was going to come by and yell at me for trying to sleep in the sportsbook (like i said, i was a meeker, more pathetic me back then)... i think finally around 2:30am i gave up and told them i was going upstairs in hopes that at least mike was up there already, i didn't give a damn if i woke him up or saw him in his underwear or if i had to sleep in the hallway until somebody, anybody, came up to let me in the room, i just wanted away from the "ding-ding-ding-ding-ding" and the flashing lights and the sick-making buddy-buddy bullshit of shellie and shari that i knew wouldn't last for more than another 12 hours before it would all go terribly wrong... they just kind of nodded at me and i stumbled away and upstairs and before i knew it i was tapping at the door and gabe answered (couldn't believe he was back in the room this early - it was his 21st birthday and he was in vegas! if that happened today i would grab him and take him downstairs, get us a cab and get us to a stripclub before he could say boo! that's where a 21 year old boy should be on his birthday in vegas at 2:30am!) and mumbled something at me and fell back into the rollaway bed he was sleeping in... i noted briefly that mike was occupying the queen bed near the window and i assumed i was to take the other queen bed and fell into it... and then of course could not sleep for the life of me... i lay there tossing and turning and listening to the snoring of the men around me... i occupied my time thinking of the money that lay in shellie's lap, the strangers who were sleeping in my room at the excalibur across the street (the irony being that i wouldn't take a free room at excalibur if you gave it to me today - well maybe i would if kate and i were really, really soused and we did it on a goof and it included free tickets to thunder from down under and we knew we were going "home" to one of the villas where floyd & ali would take care of us like the kittens we are...) and silently cursing shellie into the grave for doing this to me... shellie and her mother drunkenly wound their way upstairs some two hours later (and i know this because i had plenty of time to watch the clock all night)... when shellie got into bed she realized that her giant ugly stuffed rabbit had been left in the car and she actually began to sob about it... she made mike get out of bed and go downstairs to the car and get the stuffed rabbit and bring it to her... keep in mind this girl had been living away from home for a good four years by then... i just remember being amazed by this little exchange but then after the display earlier where she refused the hotel room and then when her mother poured money over her like an east indian girl on her wedding day, well, what could i say? needless to say, before long all my "roommates" were fast asleep and snoring and i lay awake all night, devising a plan of escape.... by about 5am i'd figured out what i'd do... i'd slowly inch my way out of bed silently, pull together my belongings, get a cab to el aeropuerto and hop a flight to burbank where my parents would rescue me and carry me back home... only before i could silently escape my bed shellie had woken up and asked me what i was doing... under questioning i broke down and lied, using my old time-worn excuse -
"i'm sick" i croaked.
"what do you mean?" she whispered.
"i'm sick. i threw up like 3 times already."
"oh my god, i'm so sorry."
"i know, it like totally sucks" i groaned really quietly and hoped that i looked pale enough from lack of sleep
"can i do anything for you?"
"i... i .... " i grabbed my stomach for effect and covered my mouth and closed my eyes and winced
"oh you poor thing" she patted my arm
"i think i need to go home..."
"i'll wake up mike" she said.
"no, no, no... i'll get a cab to the airport" i said a little too quickly. damnit, that sounded like you've thought about this, slow the fuck down or you're gonna get caught! i thought to myself, you've got to make it out of here! you've got to be more careful!
"don't be silly! mike can take you" she said as she rolled out of bed and proceeded to poke at mike who slurred something and sat up slowly... poor mike, he really was the whipping boy of that household... before he knew it he was getting dressed at quarter after 5 in the morning and driving my ass to mccarran where he and shellie dumped me off at the ticket counter at southwest... normally i'd have been a bit offended that they didn't even wait for me to buy a ticket much less walk me to the gate but i couldn't wait to see the fucking backs of these people... my flight (which was outrageously expensive but money so well spent you couldn't even imagine - talk about peace of fucking mind, man) wasn't to leave for like 4 hours so i bought myself a giant coffee, a cinnamon roll and some chocolate and set up a nice little space for myself at the gate and did all my french homework... it turned out to be the best time i'd had since the moment i stepped into that car the previous afternoon... it was quiet, peaceful, serene and best of all - I WAS IN CONTROL OF MY ENVIRONMENT! ... after than i bought myself a vogue, got on the plane, sat next to a nun who prayed the rosary and flew my first flight alone back to burbank - and it was probably the best flight to take alone cos i was just so pleased with myself - i felt so empowered - i'd done it - i'd escaped from the trip from HELL all by myself - i'd booked a flight all by myself, i'd flown all by myself and here i was landing in burbank reading my vogue all by myself...
a postscript - i'd tried to call my parents back at mccarran a few times and just got the machine over and over and left a message and i could tell by the beeps that they weren't getting the messages... at the time my boyfriend was living in san francisco so he couldn't come get me... my best friend was back in vegas (!) and everybody else i tried calling either wasn't answering their phone or couldn't help me out ... i waited for hours at burbank, calling my parent's house over and over again, no luck each time... i just sat by a payphone out at the curbside pick-up, marveling at the beauty that is the burbank airport and at how happy i was to be there and shuddering each time i thought about how lucky i was to be there and not stuck back in hell with all those people... i didn't mind that i wasn't sure how i was going to get home, i was just happy to be in burbank... and before i knew it there was my dad's car and there were my parents.... they had been at the price club and gotten home and gotten my messages and before the next one had come they had ran out and hopped in the car and flown to the airport to get me... so i hopped in... i came home, i did laundry, i put on MY clean bikini underwear, i played with my dog, i took a much-needed nap.... i was home...
so you see children, vegas can be hell... but vegas can be sublime... it's all about control... and that's the lesson i learned from that experience... in order to enjoy vegas, or any travel really, i must feel that i am in control... i must have my own room key .... i must have my own room for cliff's sake... i don't share rooms with four other human beings ... at most i share rooms with one other human being and that human being can be maybe ONE of a handful of VERY select other human beings on earth... and that is another key... be careful who you choose to travel with... shellie was a BAD BAD BAD travel partner ... clearly this was a girl with some seriously fucked-up travel priorities...
on the other hand - WAY WAY WAY at the other end of the spectrum is my darling precious adored kate... kate and i are a travel marriage made in heaven, specifically a vegas marriage made in heaven - it's like we speak the same unspoken language - we know when it's naptime, we know when it's drinkstime, we know when it's time to get up, we know when it's dinnertime, we know when it's time to buffet it, when it's time to sit-down meal it, when it's time to drink juice in the steamroom and when it's time to hit the nearest sephora... and every visit i make to vegas with my beloved kate is just one more cleansing treatment that washes away the nasty ugly stench that was THE TRIP FROM HELL otherwise known as
"Don't Go To Vegas With Shellie Garcia"

2004-05-04T08:09:00.000-07:00

It's bloodyfuckingmothertruckinggoddamnsonofabitchcocksuckingHOT here in in LA right now. Oh sure, Jillian says today it's supposed to cool down but i'll believe it when i see it ... i shouldn't bitch... at least there is central air at home... central air that i am not paying for... we'll just see if the air at work is actually working today... it's a random thing... and being right above the morgue well, that makes it all the more interesting, right? oh and just so you know, this blog may be interrupted at any moment so i can run off and do SOMEBODY ELSE'S JOB FOR THEM... but i promise to come back and blog some more cos i've got a lot of crap to say today (for a change).... yes, it's a bitter day for pansy, but when isn't it a bitter day for pansy?... which leads us to today's number 1 topic:
I Want To Break Up With My Brand New Boyfriend.
Here's Why
1. He doesn't like Ween. I burned him a cd of The Pod like a month ago and we were on the phone when he put it on for the first time and started listening to it. He got about 4 songs in and was like, "okay, i gotta turn this off now"... everytime he gets in my car i've got ween on (yes, i am the kind of person who plays the same cd over and over and over and over obsessively until i can't stand listening to it anymore and right now i am on a serious ween revival) and he's like, "don't you have anything else in here to listen to?" ... he does not like ween.. he does not "get" ween... how can i be with someone who doesn't like ween? i mean, i have girlfriends who don't like ween and that's ok but i can't have a boyfriend who doesn't like ween - that's just not right
2. He seriously isn't over his michael flatley thing. He had a real Lord of the Dance obsession in high school. And that would have been fine. If it had just been in high school. But high school wasn't THAT long ago for him - like 6 years - ok so it was long ago - but he saw it live like 14 times and i think he's still into it - granted there are no posters in his room and i haven't seen evidence of sound tracks or costumes or anything but something about the way he talks about michael flatley tells me that if, given the chance, he'd be more than happy to sit in the same room and soak up the magic of that little creep, fawn all over him and take home a signed headband or something. I don't know, I just know it's terribly WRONG.
3. He likes World Music. i hate World Music. That whole peter gabriel, david byrne thing.... what more can i say? i don't get it... i think it's boring and crap...
4. Bad hair. i thought that maybe it was just because he hadn't had it cut in so long... but then he got it cut and it was still bad... so then i tried to show him that with just a little bit of product we could do wonders with some styling and it could be good hair but no, he likes his hair bad.... not into the bad hair... i need good hair on a boy.... which brings me to
5. No Dress Sense... yes, we are working on it... but something tells me that no matter how many camo cargo shorts we get him in he is never going to let go of those fucking HIDEOUS black denim levis shorts, OY! are they a nightmare and he can't even see it! to say nothing of the ugly white robot tennis shoes.... seriously - his entire pre-me wardrobe needs to be trashed and start over from the ground up - and i just don't have the energy to put into that... and i don't know how cooperative he'd be... that's a lot of fucking subtle-ass persuasive work there...
6. His Age. I know in the past i have waxed lyrical about how cute it is that he is 24 and i am the old lady of this relationship (ah how clever of me to get around just how old i am, n'est-ce pas?) but it's starting to wear on me.... like when he tells me stories about how peter gabriel used to be in genesis with phil collins but then he decided he could have a solo career so he left and then phil collins acted like he was the leader of genesis and he was all cool and blah blah blah... now A. i always hated genesis and B. i always hated phil collins and C. i only ever like peter gabriel during the "games without frontiers" and "shock the monkey" phase but I KNOW THIS SHIT cos i was ALIVE during it... and HE WASN'T... you are NOT SCHOOLING ME, KID! ... and then he starts telling me shit about bowie and I'm like, "yeah, i remember watching Bowie on Saturday Night Live in like '76, OKAY!? ...he was wearing a fucking DRESS and MAKE-UP and that shit FUCKED ME UP!"... he's never even heard of Tin Machine or when Bowie decided to become Internet Guy and that shit was like less than 5 years ago! Come ON! ...and when i told him that Bowie was gay and that the whole marriage to Iman thing was like the biggest joke/sham in the world he looked at me like i was crazy... come ON! ... i don't know why this bothers me so much... i can't explain it...
7. He told me i give "just alright" blow jobs... now that is probably absolutely true, i don't doubt it for one second... but you don't tell a girl that... i mean, if you are married to that girl and you have been with her for like 12 years and you are speaking honestly about it and you know that she hates giving blow jobs well that is one thing, but you don't tell the girl you have been seeing for maybe a month and a half that you have slept with maybe a handful of times who is 10 years older than you and who has only JUST got her "groove back" to borrow a phrase from our friends in the african-american community that... well, if anyone ever felt their groove fall away, it was ME at that moment... dumb move there, buddy...
8.When i told him that my next tattoos were to be mehndi patterns on the tops of my feet i got a real "eh" vibe off of him like he thought that was NOT a good idea at all... i don't like that because A. it's sexy, it's very, very sexy and B. what kind of freak has never seen mehndi - oh wait, of course he has never seen mehndi cos he's hardly ever stepped outside of fucking whittier his entire life (please!) - and C. it's my goddamn body and i'll tattoo the fuck out of it if i want and you'd better have a goddamn good attitude about it... he can be so bloody parochial...
9. A couple weeks back, when i was first struggling with my bulimia again, we were im'ing online and i was telling him that i'd just b/p'd and he was acting funny about it and i was like, "maybe i shouldn't tell you everytime i do it" and he was like, "well if there is nothing i can do to stop it, maybe you shouldn't" ... and, i don't know, but somehow, that bothered me... it just kind of put me off... like, if you are going to be my boyfriend, you don't get to just fuck me and pretend that i am not messed up and live with the fun parts of me which leads me to -
10. A week or 2 after that event we were together and i started to go off on something... have one of my moody, rants that i have about something, anything - and he told me he didn't like it when i got "serious like that"... which totally made me stop... i was like "whoa, wait a minute, what the fuck was that?" ... and then he was like, "well, i don't like it when you are not happy"... now let's just take a look at that, shall we? he doesn't like it when i am not happy... how often am i happy? not often, really... i am happy when i am asleep... i am happy when i am in las vegas... i am happy when i am leaving work with the knowledge that i have at least 60 hours before i need to see this joint again... i am happy when i am eating truly good food that i know i will be able to throw up again within 20 minutes so that it won't stick to me... so i am not happy that often, i think we've established that.... the rest of the time i am merely simmering ... so for him to expect me to be "happy" around him, well, sorry, but it ain't gonna happen... i bitch, i whine, i whinge, i complain, i get pissed, i rant, i hate, i loathe and i rage... that's the real me... and he's not comfortable with that because in all honesty, he's doesn't do any of that stuff - you know why? cos he's not old enough to do that stuff - he's not mature enough to do any of that stuff... he hasn't ever had any real pain enough to do any of that stuff... at least not that i've seen so far... he's never really been broken before, he's never really suffered... how the fuck do i relate to that? how the fuck do i meet up with that? i mean, he's not fucked up, how can i possibly expect him to understand how fucked up i am and continue to be if he's never even been in the parking lot of fucked-up much less been near the ticketbooth or near the turnstyle much less to the gate or inside the park... HAH!!
... and that's really what this is all about... lack of maturity... lack of real life experience... we just don't mesh... the stuff that makes relationships work - the unspoken shit - the stuff that you don't have to say - we don't have that... it just doesn't work... it's just not there....

2004-04-30T08:29:00.000-07:00

Well I tried to give the IQ test a go but after the second page I got so fed up with the math problems I had to give up. When somebody wants to know about people travelling so many miles per hour at 7:30am I just have to say "fuck you" and when people are catching frogs and wanting me to figure out how to divide up just who caught how many this early in the am, well, i'm sorry, i just can't do it. After all, I was never a Mathlete, like some people.
I am not feeling superb this morning. Strange things floating around the air around here. Lots of odd fluish symptoms and I think I am picking them up. Feeling achey and exhausted. Many people are blaming the morgue - we all think the morgue is broken. You see our office is right above the morgue and the morgue seems to be leaking its sickly stench of death all over the place these last few days. I don't know if morgue air can make you sick but it sure smells bad. And you have to walk past the morgue to get to your car if you work in this office. So we get a lot of morgue blasting around here. We are all preoccupied by the morgue a lot around here. It's probably not very healthy.
It's now time to talk about my very most favorite Vegas website in the entire world - CheapoVegas.com and its sister site, Las Vegas On 25¢ A Day. Yes, both of these sites are polar opposites of the kinds of experiences that kathy and I tend to go for when we head to Our Town. We want spas, champagne, fancy cocktails, luxe, good food and all the joy that money can buy. These guys want cheap cigars, 25 cent craps tables, greasy food, bad pie, junkies, strung-out hookers and a night at The Western. But we all have something in common - The Rush and The Push and The Land that We Stand On is Ours the moment we arrive in Vegas - that thrill the moment we touch down or the moment we see the shimmering city in the desert. We have respect and love deep in our hearts for the glitzy dirty town that wants our money and our love. So head over to Cheapo Vegas and Vegas on 25 Sheckels a Day and let Matt, Dan, Stinky and Amy be your guides to all the fun and debauchery you can stand!

2004-04-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday! Which is really my monday! And we all know Mondays suck! Why am i using so many exclamation points? Hell, I don't know....
The world will be glad to know that I saw both my therapist and my psychiatrist yesterday to deal with the bulimia. We are adding yet ANOTHER med - topomax - it's very popular and prescribed often to bulimics. Supposed to curb the bingeing urge. We will see as it will take some time to kick in.
I don't know how I am ever going to find the 10 Justifications. They really were brilliant. Until I do find them I can tell you what a couple of them were.... "Doing it for the good of all womankind" ... "Research for the manuscript" ... etc, etc...
I can't wait for kathy to blog about why she loves driving to Vegas so much more than flying. I just feel so very different about it. And I do have reasons. In theory, the drive to Vegas can be fun. But it's truly all about sustainable excitement. And here I will refer you to one of my favorite films of all time - "Swingers". (All hail Vince Vaughn!!) The scene where they are driving to Vegas just tells the whole story. You get in the car and that first 45 minutes you are on fire with the thrill of it all. After that wears out it just becomes all about getting to Baker and eating at Bun Boy and glancing at the World's Largest Thermometer. And when you get back on that road you get back some of that excitement but it wears off pretty quickly. It's just miles and miles of desert roads, joshua trees and shimmering asphalt, not to mention what I like to call, the Screaming Highway. Yes, the arrival at State Line does renew the vigour of your thrills - seeing Whiskey Pete's, Buffalo Bill's and Primm Valley. Then the real yearning and tummy flutters begin. It's not long before you can see the glittery oasis in the desert that is Las Vegas. And yes, there is the thrill of getting closer and closer, deciding which offramp to take, knowing that within an hour you'll be checked-in and exploring the room.
Oh and the joys of exploring the room. That and packing for the trip are both very very important parts of each Kate&Pansycon and kathy will testify that I KNOW HOW TO PACK. I bring WAY too much of everything - most of all shoes! Kathy even has photos for evidence! I bring snacks, magazines, bubble bath, bath gells, bath salts, you name it! And when we get there we both unpack like we are moving in for good. We set up the bathroom like it's our own. We use every hanger and cabinet and drawer for our clothes. We call up and order extra pillows and towels if we feel like it. We feel very strongly about making the room our own. Kathy and I were BORN to travel together, you see. It's all instinctual, once we hit Vegas we fall into the perfect groove as far as when to nap, when to eat, when to drink, what to see and, most important, spa time.
But I digress, back to the room: First thing - I must find the hotel's channel showing off all the features you can enjoy during your stay - each restaurant, the spa, the shopping on offer, the nightclubs, who is there to entertain, and all that brilliant stuff. And then whenever we are in the room and not specifically watching something on t.v. I must have that channel back on. I am just mesmerized by these channels - I can't explain why. Then I have to open up the blessed black-out curtains and take stock of our view - if we've got a Strip View I am happy as a little clam - if not I have to pick out each HVAC vent and all the other boring features outside the window. I must read all in-room literature and start speculating about what spa treatments I am going to need and how outrageous the room service prices are. Then it's on to the yellow pages of the phone book to look at the hooker listings. I must add up just how many pages of full-color ads for sex there are - I find this fascinating - and then list off to kathy the various sex professionals we could order up should we decide to make that part of the trip. Then we usually take a nap. You see, we need some good rest in order to get out there and terrify the rest of humanity who has chosen to be in Vegas with us. Because when Kathy and I get together, it is scary. And when Kathy and I get together in Vegas - well, we are A Force To Be Reckoned With. So I'll leave you with all that implies....

2004-04-24T07:51:00.000-07:00

Wish I could talk about "ginger ale" here. But I fear I can't. Because "ginger ale" was such a huge part of Kate&PansyConI - first of all, did Kate want the forbidden "ginger ale"? And then, how to get the "ginger ale"? How to make sense of drinking "ginger ale"? We had a great list of reasons - we called them "The 10 Justifications" and if I could find them I'd think seriously about publishing them here (with a few minor tweaks to make them safe). And then there was the whole Plan. And then there was the Night. And then there was the "ginger ale" and all the happiness money can buy. But we can't talk about the "ginger ale" here, so we won't.
So let's talk about Kate&PansyconII instead. Ah, the joys of Home. It all seemed so surreal - the fact that Kathy and I were to be staying at Bellagio. Of course Kathy had the brilliant idea to slum it first over at the Amerisuites - and it worked out great - we had SUCH the vegas experience. Between the queer hamburger joint, the trip to the Hard Rock, the gathering of Orthodox Jews having their Shabbat services in the hotel's meeting rooms, well it was quite the First Night Experience. And we all know that The First Night in Vegas has to be the Surreal Night in order for the rest of the trip to go right. I even enjoyed watching "Shreck" in the room - who would have thought?
So after that First Night slumming it, we went Home. Little did we know, once you go Bellagio, you can never, ever, NEVER, EVER go back. I mean, you can go back to Vegas, you can stay in other hotels, you can try to achieve luxury and perfect harmony, but you never will again. You will always long for that moment when YOU got to walk right to the elevators and ride them up to YOUR room at the end of the night, there at Home. And what can I say? Champagne on the patio of the Fontana Bar (oh and if you ever drop by the Fontana bar and aren't in the mood for champagne be SURE to try the Calvados Sidecar - like drinking heaven itself!) - how perfect can life be. I remember turning to Kathy and saying, "This is the most romantic moment of my life and I'm spending it with you instead of a guy." But really, I wouldn't have had it any other way. And my goddess, The Buffet. Yes, I've capitalized The Buffet because it deserves it. I think we did The Buffet 3 times in that trip. Now I'm realistic when it comes to buffets - I've done tons of them and they are never as good as one wants them to be. Never as good as the idea seems. Never as good as they look. Never as good as what you read about them. (The Rio being the prime example here.) But The Buffet at Bellagio is something else altogther. Shrimp as big as your fist. Prime rib that literally melts in your mouth. The flatbread. The salads. To say nothing about the desserts on offering. A trip to Vegas without a trip to The Buffet is a trip not worth taking, damnit. And then there was the spa experience - The Vichy Shower - the eucalyptus steam room - truly this place is modeled on Aphrodite's own personal beauty haven. I can't say enough about the spa experience on this trip. We were draped in perfection on that trip and leaving Home to go back to reality was truly one of the most painful goodbyes I've ever had to make. Nothing, NOTHING will ever replace Home and I know someday, when Kate&PansyCon goes HUGE - when we've got ballrooms reserved for the expo - when meeting rooms find gatherings of boys dressed like Dev and Slaughter - when Kathy finds herself in those leather pants and I am sitting next to her in a smart little Chanel suit at a long table with coffee and pastries in front of us, answering questions from our loyal fans in a Q&A - well, someday, we'll return Home.

2004-04-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm right here, kathy!
Seriously, I am a bad blogger - but then I think only one person reads this blog besides me so I can't feel THAT badly about it.
What's going on in my life? Happy with The Boy. Had a wonderful time with him Monday night - so deviant! And i get to see him again on Saturday - not quite sure what we are doing but I get him all to myself Saturday night and then Sunday as well. Lucky selfish princess me!
Other than that - well my bulimia is raging away and I hate to say how much I love it. Yes, I love my eating disorder. Once again, may I say Don't Try This At Home! I'm not recommending anyone else do it. It is very bad for you - it wears the enamel off your teeth, it denies your body hydration and nutrition, it will eventually eat away at the lining of your esophagus ... it is a dangerous game and I know that. Unfortunately it works for me. I feel like i have lost a bit of weight since I started throwing up again after my late night binges. My cheekbones are slowing starting to carve out again. And it's getting easier and easier to throw up. I confessed all to my therapist and I am seeing my psychiatrist on monday for a med adjustment.... but I don't want to stop. I like being able to go out to the kitchen and eat a huge BLT and cheetos and cake and cookies and then wash away the evidence. Then go back out 15 minutes later and eat two huge plates of spaghetti, chocolate and more cookies and wash away that evidence too. I feel so clean and pure afterwards. Yes, I know it is fucked up. I know it is about control and hating the body and wanting to disassociate and disengage and all that. I wrote papers in college on it - I was a women's studies major - hell, if I went back to school I'd want to focus on body studies. But I still love it. And it is wrong.

2004-04-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

You know, I forget that we no longer have GOW here on earth with us. And then every once in a while it hits me and I just can't stand it. So heartbreaking. Back at Kate&PansyConII we went over to Caesar's and did a little memorial for our lost immortal at one of the God/Goddess statue clusters. Can't remember if it was one of the audioanimatronic ones or not. I think we should all take a moment here to remember how brilliant Kevin Smith's portrayal of our beloved GOW was. And I'd like to make it clear that, while most characters in the Kate&Pansyverse are complicated amalgams of several people, well, GOW was the same GOW portrayed by Kevin Smith on "Hercules" and "Xena". For us there never will be another "Mr. Aren't-I-Fabulous-In-My-Black-Leather?" I like to think that a little bit of that GOW lives on through our smut. Let's raise a glass of Kristal to the man, shall we?
So it's a Saturday and yes, I am at work. The mobile stop was cancelled due to rain so I am here for a good chunk of the day with not a whole fuck of a lot to do and tons of time to do it in. At the moment I am in the middle of a Ween Music Festival - "Pure Guava" finally arrived yesterday! It's been years since I've heard Big Jilm and I forgot how much I loved it. Unfortunately I don't think The Boy cares much for Ween - I burned The Pod for him and he could only take about 15 minutes of it before he had to turn it off. I guess Ween isn't for everybody. Oh well.
Kathy maintains that I should be using my blog to talk all about my adventures with The Boy but I don't think I can give up those intimate details to any Floyd, Ali or Sebastian that accidentally points and clicks his way onto my blog. Maybe I just need to drink whilst I blog?
Got the third tattoo Thursday night. Didn't hurt a bit - wasn't even annoying. But when you start out on the leg, move to the lower back/spine area and then hit the upper arm, well you've pretty much started out painful and uncomfortable and the only way to go is up. The leg is tricky because it's pretty close to the bone and the closer you are to the bone, well the more pain. As well you should know that the leg has these funky nerve endings and when she'd touch the needle to one of them there would be this uncomfortable twitching sensation that I had to work very hard to fight - you don't want to twitch during your tattoo - you don't want to move at all during your tattoo. Unless of course you are Steve-O and that is what you are going for, but most people aren't. The lower back itself isn't that bad when they are hitting that nice layer of fat that most women have but the tattoo is a bit large and went up to the lower spine and ZOWEE! - that was not comfortable... (You know, when I was in there on Thursday getting my silly little heart there was a group of little skaterrat boys watching one of their brethren get this big stupid jesus on a cross tattooed on his upper arm and they were all looking at me like "fuckin' chick - what a pussy!" I wanted to say, "you get a fuckin' tattoo on your spine and then tell me what a pussy I am - fuck, you come home with me and watch me hack away at my arms with a knife and then tell me how fuckin' tough you are!" I really hate teenage boys and even more I loathe those fucking "straight-edge" motherfuckers - they are the worst - give me a smack addict anyday - that "straightedge" shit is just so nazi-aryan-youth.)
I wish I could figure out how to put pictures up on this thing - I don't even know if I can - but in lieu of that I'll just describe the tattoos for you.
The first one is a cartouche with heiroglyphics in it that translate into "Tigrrrlilly" - my cat's name. It's fine line black ink with a henna red shading inside and it is just above my left ankle. The second one is a portrait of Bast-et in full color - turquoise, ruby, gold and lapis - just below my spine. The final one is a red heart with a scroll across it that reads "Johnny Truant" - my favorite character from my very most favorite book, House of Leaves. I'm very pleased with how all three turned out - I go to Kat Von D at Inflictions in Arcadia and I recommend her highly - I would never let anybody else ever tattoo me! And my piercer, Christian, works there too - he's the best at what he does too!

2004-04-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

Damn but i made some nasty coffee this am... actually set it up last night before i went to bed and then just had to wander out to the kitchen this am and plug the thing in (yes, i use an electric percolator - i don't care what anybody says - i think they make the best coffee - no drip or vaccuum or french press for me thanks)... but it is exceedingly bitter and whilst i like my coffee strong, this is just plain yuck.
More depressing news - I have started bingeing and purging again - last night i performed the whole thing twice. Both times i was already in bed, trying to sleep, and the demon, Bulimia, forced me to get out of bed and go to the kitchen and start consuming food manaically. I don't even remember what i cooked and ate but i do remember the throwing up. And i don't want to stop. Really, i don't. I want to keep eating bags of cookies - i like eating bags of cookies - and not suffer the consequences of fat. As sick as it seems, i like my bulimia. I guess that's because i've never minded throwing up. Not that i am recommending it to others - DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME! I wish i could embed a little Jackass logo with ponytails right here but i can't.
Funny thing, I had forgotten all about the whole "pod-shooting monorail" idea until i just read my darling kate's blog. We really are brilliant (and terrifying) when we are together and it's just not fair that we aren't making money off of our brilliance (yet). If we were i sure as hell wouldn't be sitting here at this desk right now, practically nodding off, and dreading the next 7 & 1/2 hours of tedious paperwork and phone calls and office politics and general CRAP.
So i got to do the "new" part of my job yesterday - for the second time i took an animal to TPIR. At least it gets me out of the office for like 4 hours. And she was a lovely dog, hope she does well from it. But oi! all the traffic - the 10 and the 110 in the afternoon just plain suck ass. I did stop at McDonald's and get a chicken sandwich and that fabulous new apple, grape, walnut, yogurt salady-thingy which was quite the treat. Got the dog a hamburger for a reward. And I also acquired the largest iced tea known to man. Food. Food. Food. All i think about besides the 24 year old boy. Sigh.

2004-04-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

So it's a new day and I have approximately 7 hours to kill here at work and approximately 1 hour of actual work to do. This is a problem I find myself faced with almost daily at my job. Sadly my job does not challenge or excite me, or if it does, it only does so maybe once every couple of months and then I find those challenges quickly finished and it's back to the grinding tedium of paperwork and phonecalls.
Sure, I could write. It's not like Kathy and I don't have plenty of rewriting to do on the manuscript and it's not like there aren't a couple hundred more pages just begging to be written. The girls need to run off to Venice, find Dru and the BFH, and Pansy needs to be pregnant and miserable. But it's just so difficult to be inspired and write anything at work with 5 other people standing on my head. Not to mention the fact that what we write is, for the most part, smut. And it's almost impossible to write good smut in a crowded office without booze. So that's my excuse. Maybe when I move into my new office (hopefully at the end of this month), where I'll have some privacy, I will be able to get something done?
In the meantime I suppose our loyal fans would like to learn a little bit more about previous Kate&PansyCons. I am glad to provide that information.
Kate&PansyConI was held back in 2001 at Treasure Island. We drove (Kathy still prefers driving to flying - I say give me a new copy of Vogue, a seat on a Southwest tincan and a rum&coke and all is well with the world) and made decent time. When we arrived at Treasure Island Kathy did her very best to tell the sad story of how terribly ill I was as I sat off to the side looking wan and unwell. "We're not sure if she'll make it back to Vegas for another trip... the illness is progressing much faster than we expected... things don't look good..." to paraphrase her end of the conversation. Of course that got us NOWHERE (and yes, it has been tried over and over again in subsequent years to no good effect) - no suite upgrade, no comps, no strip view. But it was ok because we were in Vegas and we were out for a good time and most of all we were prepared to do whatever it took to insure that our fans had the best time possible.
Treasure Island in 2001 was a different animal then. This was before the TI-era and it was still a swashbuckling pirate-themed hangout which was quite perfect for our purposes. Becauseeverybody knows how Pansy feels about pirates! The spa at Treasure Island did not disappoint and we found ourselves happily luxuriating there. Back then Napoleon's at Paris was not a champagne bar and I found myself happily downing lavender martinis. As much as we've enjoyed our flights of champagne in more recent years at Napoleon's I must say I still miss those lavender martinis. As good as the booze is, there is something even better about Napoleon's - I'll give out a little secret here - if you want to catch a glimpse of Slaughter and Ross this is a good place to visit - Floyd and Ali really like the atmosphere of the humidor and the boys can be seen sprawled all over the chairs, drinking and puffing away on expensive cigars. And speaking of champagne - well, we made the mistake of not taking up an older, quite jolly gentleman on the offer of a bottle of the bubbly one afternoon as we strolled down the strip. He was laughing to himself and quite happy with his place in the world and seemed like a nice guy but we just didn't feel right about it. Looking back now, well, Pansy would have forced Kate to do it and I would probably force Kathy at this point. Another highlight of that trip - we came to realize that you can't travel more than 500 feet down the strip without hitting a Sephora. And that is a very good thing. It was a jolly trip, if a bit short and not quite the extravaganza that our trips have evolved into.

2004-04-07T11:06:00.000-07:00

Well, it's semi-official - Kate&PansyCon 2004 will be held at THEhotel at Mandalay Bay August 22nd - August 27th! We are very excited to have Mandalay Bay hosting the event this year as it means we can spend some good quality time every evening at the Coral Reef Lounge observing the Malevolent Spirit cause mischief and mayhem upon unsuspecting and probably not-very-innocent bystanders. We intend to venture out for all sorts of activities of course, most notably among them: multiple trips to THEbathouse for spa treatments, "Thunder From Down Under" for some drunken debauchery, either (or maybe both, depending on how flush we find ourselves) "O" and/or "Zumanity", champagne and nibbles on the patio of the Fontana Bar at "Home" (known to the rest of the world as Bellagio); a flight or two at Napoleon's at Paris, a night out drinking and dancing where lucky attendees can pay $50 a pop to witness Pansy and Kate do bodyshots off of each other and, best of all, if the moonlight is right, the planets align and magick is afoot - you might have a Slaughter or Ross sighting!

2004-04-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the blog that will tell you the true story behind Kate&PansyCon - past, present and future! For another side to the story please be sure to visit http://kateandpansylive.blogspot.com/ for my partner in crime's thoughts and actions. This space will start to get exciting very soon - so keep watching!